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Author: Amy the Evitable

Event Horizon Omake I
Wherein Omi and Yohji Encounter a Character from the Best Darn American Animated Series Ever and Discover the Importance of Reading Signs

Two assassins stalked the late-afternoon streets in one of the seedier Tokyo neighborhoods. Thus far, their prey had eluded all their efforts at tracking.

"Stop complaining, Omi. I'm sure the grocer's is just around this corner." Sleek, graceful, and more than a little chilly, the assassins continued on. "OK, maybe the next one."

"Yohji-kun...You got us lost, didn't you? How on earth could you do that? We've been in this apartment for over a week, and since we haven't starved or lived on nothing but sports drinks and Powerbars, you must have been doing most of the grocery shopping. How can you not know where the store is at this point?"

"Well, sorry! We haven't been in this neighborhood all that long and I just got distracted by spotting my dead ex-partner darting down the alley, and I had to follow her."

"What was that, Yohji-kun?"

"Oh, nothing. I errr...must have just taken a wrong turn. Silly me."

"Honestly, Yohji-kun. It's almost like something's driving you to distraction. Well...How about that convenience store down there? It might not have much produce, but we're guys. We're into pre-packaged meals."

The neon sign above the door read "Kwik-E-Mart."

"This ought to do. Good eye, Omittchi."


The florists of death entered the store, and were stunned into awed silence by the vast array of donuts and beer that lay before them.

"Welcome to Quickie-Mart. I am Nahasapeemapetilon Apu, proprietor. How can I help you?" The proprietor did a double-take. "I am very sorry, but I am having to ask you to be leaving. You are not welcome here."

The assassins were stricken by the request. "Huh? Why? Is it because you can mystically sense the blood that clings to our hands and the taint upon our souls from hunting human lives in the darkness?"

"Oh, no, not at all. I was hardly even noticing the mark of Cain upon your brows. No, I am afraid that you did not read the sign before entering."

Upon the door was a sign in big, black, block letters. It read:

No Pets
No Giant Radioactive Monsters
No Dead Chicks

"I am being very sorry, but as you can see, it is against our policy to allow your party inside."

"Hey!" Yohji was irked. "That's not just any dead chick, you know. She's the core of my angst! The fundamental failure of my life that I must pay for in the coin of blood and tears! The only possible love of my life, except of course for my teammates and hated enemies and the occasional original character! She's necessary for my self-loathing! She's my motivation to kill and mope and arrange flowers, and to top it off, I'll have you know she's key to the entire plot!"

"Very sorry, sir, but rules are being rules. May I suggest the convenience store across the street?"

Omi and Yohji stared across the street. The store there had a neon sign that read: "Fangirls R Us: Your Preferred Source for Cigarettes, Booze, and Ramen."

Beneath it, there was a sign in big, black, block letters. It read:

No Shirt
No Shoes
No Angst
No Malleable Sexual Identity
No Service

"Oh." Omi blushed. "Clearly we got the wrong store. Sorry to bother you!"

"Thank you!" As the door to the Kwik-E-Mart closed behind the tormented and hungry assassins, one sound drifted out from the depths of the store into the street, striking fear into the core of their bishounen souls. A fear of something worse than death. More soul-destroying than the endless taking of human lives. More dangerous to androgynous beauty than Aya's orange sweater.


And the assassins fled across the street, fleeing from the chilling touch of middle-age upon their spines.

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